I have to go get a refill on the 22ndish of this month. SO I finish on the 24th and can start all happy and new on the 25th.
I haven't been writing very much because there's nothing to report. I've been having a fabulous time since I've started my medication. I've noticed something though.
Last night, I missed my pill by about two hours. Every emotion was heightened by tenfold. If I was sad, I was depressed. I felt happy I was estatic. Two hours, alone and the reaction was enormous. I can't miss my pill, ever, if that's the case. But I did get my pill, and then all those emotions were...numbed, it seemed.
Slowly coming off the anti-depressants I was full of this powerful lust, and when I took it, I could no longer even think about the pleasures of the body. /sigh
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Day 17
I've missed days. I've been busy.
I no longer allow myself to get sucked into that deep dark scary place.
I'm actually enjoying the moments I spend with people and that makes me very happy.
I have wicked awesome friends. And when I say that now, it's an entirely different group of people that comes to mind. I'm enjoying being alive and not looking to run from it.
My father is going back to Trinidad, which makes me a little sad.
I got to kiss a beautiful boy today.
I have to study for stats like no other these next two days.
I'm not afraid of crashing.
Everything is good.
I no longer allow myself to get sucked into that deep dark scary place.
I'm actually enjoying the moments I spend with people and that makes me very happy.
I have wicked awesome friends. And when I say that now, it's an entirely different group of people that comes to mind. I'm enjoying being alive and not looking to run from it.
My father is going back to Trinidad, which makes me a little sad.
I got to kiss a beautiful boy today.
I have to study for stats like no other these next two days.
I'm not afraid of crashing.
Everything is good.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
day 12
It's almost impossible to think about suicide. I try. I really try to go back to how it was before. A couple tears, how it would feel to slice the veins that jut out through the thin sheet of flesh and rip it open with blood dripping in one thick stream. Even writing that sentence didn't stir me! It's sort of nice to have to find a different outlet as opposed to having that dark place to curl up to. But then again when everything is crashing around me, sort of, I wouldn't mind the familiarity I have navigating my imagination. I'm really sensitive to other people and my relationships with those people. Now I'm getting them right!
Also mixing up the hours I take pills, was a bad idea.
Also mixing up the hours I take pills, was a bad idea.
Day 11
Medication. Medication.
Took it at 7pm because I was exhausted last night.Just went to sleep around 9pm at first since the school year started. Woke up at 1am as opposed to sleeping at 1 waking up 4.
Did work for drama, talked to the guy I don't get along with, without wanting to kill him or myself. Another first.
Excited for drama, really I am.
Annoyed at being ignored.
But other than that.
Nothing to report.
Took it at 7pm because I was exhausted last night.Just went to sleep around 9pm at first since the school year started. Woke up at 1am as opposed to sleeping at 1 waking up 4.
Did work for drama, talked to the guy I don't get along with, without wanting to kill him or myself. Another first.
Excited for drama, really I am.
Annoyed at being ignored.
But other than that.
Nothing to report.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Day 10
Cried a lot.
Smoking doesn't have an effect on me, except for improving my mood and increasing the urge to write.
Pill around 8 today.
That's all.
A lot of old wounds were ripped open.
Smoking doesn't have an effect on me, except for improving my mood and increasing the urge to write.
Pill around 8 today.
That's all.
A lot of old wounds were ripped open.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Day 9
I think I'm just trying desperately to convince everyone around me that I am okay. But really? It doesn't feel like that at all.
I smoke this morning, which kind of didn't make me sick. I mean I was dashing about the house all excited ready for school and then Bunni texted me for hot chocolate and that was great.
I studied for my french test and felt confident about it.
But in stats I learned that we had a composition due (an essay in french) and I hadn't done it. I honestly didn't even know.
They are a huge part of our grades and I couldn't stand to have lower than a C in the class.
I panicked. But life was still okay. I would talk to her. We would work this out. And even if she didn't take it ,somehow I would be okay grade-wise.
Got to French class, she said I could bring it in tomorrow, I sort of relaxed, wicked nervous about the test, my blood was electric. I completed it though, the test, except for one little part I didn't really understand, but everything else I thought I did pretty well on.
Brunch, feeling down, but went along smiling as best I could.
In fashion, I was ticked. I was so angry, but I didn't know at who or what. I was just frustrated. I couldn't pin it down, and I hoped it wasn't noticeable.
English, I was crying.
Not full out bawling mind you. Just the couple tears down my cheek, trying to remember yesterday when everyone made me very very happy. it only helped a little. And Bunni who sits opposite me tried to cheer me up with one of our inside jokes, but I couldn't play along. She's the only person I can't pretend to be happy with. I can't lie to her. Lol.
So basically I crashed. And when i crash, I get..emo? I don't know. All I think about is how much I want to hurt myself and how there might be some relief in that. There's no set trigger, there's no one who upsets me. It's me against me. At least this time it didn't last as long as the others.
Eventually it faded. All my hatred for myself vanished and I was happy. So I called my boyfriend and chatted with him.
He though I was pretending.
But I wasn't. I was actually happy.
I don't know. He and Bunni think I'm bipolar.
Maybe I don't know.
Oh.
I couldn't for the life of me decide between my favorite cookies of all time and Oreos. It was a quantity versus quality type of thing. I was being stupid and asked two people to help me. One was in class and I think I pissed him off, so as usual that bothered me the whole day. The other answered and said I should choose quality. I wanted to. The stress from my inability to make a decision was intoxicating though. And maybe I took it too far. Just a little. I think it comes from people not knowing me and how I am and then it all gets messed up with what they think of me and who I actually am. M
Maybe it's nothing and I'm being stupid.
right now- I feel absolutely fine. A little tired from having so much homework, but good, content-ish. Once I finish french I'm going to sleep for a little while and then do at least half my english.
I don't know. But I know it's not an act. Not here.
I smoke this morning, which kind of didn't make me sick. I mean I was dashing about the house all excited ready for school and then Bunni texted me for hot chocolate and that was great.
I studied for my french test and felt confident about it.
But in stats I learned that we had a composition due (an essay in french) and I hadn't done it. I honestly didn't even know.
They are a huge part of our grades and I couldn't stand to have lower than a C in the class.
I panicked. But life was still okay. I would talk to her. We would work this out. And even if she didn't take it ,somehow I would be okay grade-wise.
Got to French class, she said I could bring it in tomorrow, I sort of relaxed, wicked nervous about the test, my blood was electric. I completed it though, the test, except for one little part I didn't really understand, but everything else I thought I did pretty well on.
Brunch, feeling down, but went along smiling as best I could.
In fashion, I was ticked. I was so angry, but I didn't know at who or what. I was just frustrated. I couldn't pin it down, and I hoped it wasn't noticeable.
English, I was crying.
Not full out bawling mind you. Just the couple tears down my cheek, trying to remember yesterday when everyone made me very very happy. it only helped a little. And Bunni who sits opposite me tried to cheer me up with one of our inside jokes, but I couldn't play along. She's the only person I can't pretend to be happy with. I can't lie to her. Lol.
So basically I crashed. And when i crash, I get..emo? I don't know. All I think about is how much I want to hurt myself and how there might be some relief in that. There's no set trigger, there's no one who upsets me. It's me against me. At least this time it didn't last as long as the others.
Eventually it faded. All my hatred for myself vanished and I was happy. So I called my boyfriend and chatted with him.
He though I was pretending.
But I wasn't. I was actually happy.
I don't know. He and Bunni think I'm bipolar.
Maybe I don't know.
Oh.
I couldn't for the life of me decide between my favorite cookies of all time and Oreos. It was a quantity versus quality type of thing. I was being stupid and asked two people to help me. One was in class and I think I pissed him off, so as usual that bothered me the whole day. The other answered and said I should choose quality. I wanted to. The stress from my inability to make a decision was intoxicating though. And maybe I took it too far. Just a little. I think it comes from people not knowing me and how I am and then it all gets messed up with what they think of me and who I actually am. M
Maybe it's nothing and I'm being stupid.
right now- I feel absolutely fine. A little tired from having so much homework, but good, content-ish. Once I finish french I'm going to sleep for a little while and then do at least half my english.
I don't know. But I know it's not an act. Not here.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Day 8
I've decided to post a little more often and start the post right after I take a pill.
I might forget something in particular that stood out that day.
Or night.
Such as this night, when the pill started to kick in, I had a burst of playful ZeD.
It was interesting.
Ate several handfuls of starbursts.
Have yet to motivate myself to study.
Smoked a cigarette, didn't throw up, but half way through I couldn't inhale properly anymore so I put it out. Stomach ache and..something else...dizziness? I can't remember.
More relaxed emotionally, but still anxious as ever to get out of the house.
I might forget something in particular that stood out that day.
Or night.
Such as this night, when the pill started to kick in, I had a burst of playful ZeD.
It was interesting.
Ate several handfuls of starbursts.
Have yet to motivate myself to study.
Smoked a cigarette, didn't throw up, but half way through I couldn't inhale properly anymore so I put it out. Stomach ache and..something else...dizziness? I can't remember.
More relaxed emotionally, but still anxious as ever to get out of the house.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Day 7
I was extremely yesterday which is why I didn't post on time.
I didn't take my pill until about 12:45am, and I was sort of afraid.
I don't want to find out what happens if I miss a pill.
I still get a little down these days, but I don't have a problem finding ways to make my mood better, which is good. Things have been running pretty smoothly.
Applied to San Jose and San Francisco State today, so I'm excited about that.
I really want to do psychology.
If Marlboro cigarettes didn't make me feel so yucky I would smoke to balance out the massive increase in appetite. But I can't even bring myself to hold the cigarettes much less smoke one.
I might have to start carrying a pill on me, if I continue to stay out pass 10-11ish. That way I can take it on time.
Same old same old.
I didn't take my pill until about 12:45am, and I was sort of afraid.
I don't want to find out what happens if I miss a pill.
I still get a little down these days, but I don't have a problem finding ways to make my mood better, which is good. Things have been running pretty smoothly.
Applied to San Jose and San Francisco State today, so I'm excited about that.
I really want to do psychology.
If Marlboro cigarettes didn't make me feel so yucky I would smoke to balance out the massive increase in appetite. But I can't even bring myself to hold the cigarettes much less smoke one.
I might have to start carrying a pill on me, if I continue to stay out pass 10-11ish. That way I can take it on time.
Same old same old.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Day 6
I missed posting last night.
I was incredibly tired.
Instead of coming straight home, I went to a friend's house until about 7.
I took my pill at 8, went to bed at 10, in hopes of waking up early to study.
I don't want to study.
But I'll fail if I don't.
I tried smoking last night.
But it only made me feel sick, like I was inhaling death. Even my veins and arteries felt like they were shriveling up.
For some reason I might try again this morning. Smoking used to help me wake up and study.
But these are Marlboro cigarettes.
And nothing good can come of smoking Marlboro.
Same feelings as the past.
Just thought I should report the smoking.
I was incredibly tired.
Instead of coming straight home, I went to a friend's house until about 7.
I took my pill at 8, went to bed at 10, in hopes of waking up early to study.
I don't want to study.
But I'll fail if I don't.
I tried smoking last night.
But it only made me feel sick, like I was inhaling death. Even my veins and arteries felt like they were shriveling up.
For some reason I might try again this morning. Smoking used to help me wake up and study.
But these are Marlboro cigarettes.
And nothing good can come of smoking Marlboro.
Same feelings as the past.
Just thought I should report the smoking.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Day 5
I was really happy for no apparent reason.
Not that I'm complaining.
I just started smiling, while talking to my friends on facebook or text.
I'm really lucky.
I know a lot of fantastic people.
I'm pretty sure no one hates me outright and even if they do, it's their loss.
I'm brilliant.
Lol.
Less of a rash today.
I can't exert myself as my stomach is still healing. I'd say it's 50% better than Tuesday morning.
Still trouble sleeping, though. At night at least. I sleep mostly after school between 4 and 6, and then I get a couple more hours in the morning. Other than that, I feel fine. Not really drained like I used to be.
Oh. But I did have this weird feeling in first period that I had already experienced the entire school day. So by the start of second I was exhausted and ready to sleep.
I still have a lot of work to do.
But it's getting easier.
I'm happy.
Not that I'm complaining.
I just started smiling, while talking to my friends on facebook or text.
I'm really lucky.
I know a lot of fantastic people.
I'm pretty sure no one hates me outright and even if they do, it's their loss.
I'm brilliant.
Lol.
Less of a rash today.
I can't exert myself as my stomach is still healing. I'd say it's 50% better than Tuesday morning.
Still trouble sleeping, though. At night at least. I sleep mostly after school between 4 and 6, and then I get a couple more hours in the morning. Other than that, I feel fine. Not really drained like I used to be.
Oh. But I did have this weird feeling in first period that I had already experienced the entire school day. So by the start of second I was exhausted and ready to sleep.
I still have a lot of work to do.
But it's getting easier.
I'm happy.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Day 4
Was sick this morning...just dizzy and nauseous.
Found out I have friends in the places I least expected.
Also that I'm not interesting enough for one person.
And I don't know how to convince another that I'm not abusing him and that I don't understand how he could ever come to that conclusion.
I just need life to stay this way till November. Everything can come crashing down in the November.
I have to make 36 invitations, but lack the man power necessary to hand make them...even though that would be more impressive. I'll just set it up as an event on facebook or something. Hopefully people chip in...oy...
My grades are improving! yay!
Fashion though...that's questionable. I have to finish this silly corset soooN!
But this is about medication though..
One of the allergic reactions is a rash. So what I thought was just something on my clothes, was actually my medication. Within the twenty four hours, it's gotten less..itchy and maybe it's not a good thing I keep taking the thing that's making me sick.
But it happened with cigarettes too. I got sick due to the nicotine, and when I smoked again, I got better almost immediately. So...I'm going to keep taking it.
Though I couldn't sleep for the life of me. (Oh.) I got like an hour of sleep, and missed my carpool because I was sick in the morning. So like a total of 4 hours. My normal sleep cycle.
William is off to kill one more boss. Lol. Hopefully he can help me fall asleep.
Found out I have friends in the places I least expected.
Also that I'm not interesting enough for one person.
And I don't know how to convince another that I'm not abusing him and that I don't understand how he could ever come to that conclusion.
I just need life to stay this way till November. Everything can come crashing down in the November.
I have to make 36 invitations, but lack the man power necessary to hand make them...even though that would be more impressive. I'll just set it up as an event on facebook or something. Hopefully people chip in...oy...
My grades are improving! yay!
Fashion though...that's questionable. I have to finish this silly corset soooN!
But this is about medication though..
One of the allergic reactions is a rash. So what I thought was just something on my clothes, was actually my medication. Within the twenty four hours, it's gotten less..itchy and maybe it's not a good thing I keep taking the thing that's making me sick.
But it happened with cigarettes too. I got sick due to the nicotine, and when I smoked again, I got better almost immediately. So...I'm going to keep taking it.
Though I couldn't sleep for the life of me. (Oh.) I got like an hour of sleep, and missed my carpool because I was sick in the morning. So like a total of 4 hours. My normal sleep cycle.
William is off to kill one more boss. Lol. Hopefully he can help me fall asleep.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Day 3
Took my medication at 8.25pm instead of the usual midnight dose.
Increased appetite that's pretty much the only I didn't make up. Everyone knows that I want to be like exactly 100 lbs, for no other reason for being such an even number.
Cried a little...homework frustrating me, but then just slowly pushed throughout. Normally i would take two benadryl and call it a night.
It's not supposed to seriously kick in until about three weeks from two days ago. (I phrased that poorly but I don't care to change it.)
The sensitivity to sun hasn't really started yet, if that is to start anytime soon.
I don't know. Honestly, I feel different. But I don't know if that's me or the medication. Part of me hopes it's both...
Increased appetite that's pretty much the only I didn't make up. Everyone knows that I want to be like exactly 100 lbs, for no other reason for being such an even number.
Cried a little...homework frustrating me, but then just slowly pushed throughout. Normally i would take two benadryl and call it a night.
It's not supposed to seriously kick in until about three weeks from two days ago. (I phrased that poorly but I don't care to change it.)
The sensitivity to sun hasn't really started yet, if that is to start anytime soon.
I don't know. Honestly, I feel different. But I don't know if that's me or the medication. Part of me hopes it's both...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Day 2
I usually take my medication around 11pm-12am. So I have about an 1/2 hour before it starts to make me sleepy. I could feel it wearing off tonight though. My body felt exposed and broke out in cold sweat. I'm sort of afraid. If I stop taking this, will I crash?
The only thing that makes everything feel better, like there's some sanity left within the world, is music. Any music, just a sweet bass, hypnotic melody and nice lyrics, and the world seems to stop. The second I plug my headphones in, the world can't touch me, nothing can. Not even the worst news in history. Maybe that makes me sound like any other teenager, but I'm willing to bet my right arm (which I love) that there are "adults" who find music just as essential. Unplug them and watch their world unravel.
I've noticed that I have trouble waking up to my alarm and I was hoping that I could figure out a way to escape the groginess. It doesn't wear off till about 8am, which doesn't help considering I have to get up 4am.
It's only the second day, but I feel better. Even if it the subconscious hope that this could help me rebuild the bridges I burned that night.
The only thing that makes everything feel better, like there's some sanity left within the world, is music. Any music, just a sweet bass, hypnotic melody and nice lyrics, and the world seems to stop. The second I plug my headphones in, the world can't touch me, nothing can. Not even the worst news in history. Maybe that makes me sound like any other teenager, but I'm willing to bet my right arm (which I love) that there are "adults" who find music just as essential. Unplug them and watch their world unravel.
I've noticed that I have trouble waking up to my alarm and I was hoping that I could figure out a way to escape the groginess. It doesn't wear off till about 8am, which doesn't help considering I have to get up 4am.
It's only the second day, but I feel better. Even if it the subconscious hope that this could help me rebuild the bridges I burned that night.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Medication Day 1
This blog only exists so I can keep track of how my medication is affecting me. I know the effects aren't due to kick in until a few weeks, but even then. I'm writing down anything I may have noticed, whether it's because of the medicine or just because of the day.
Day One-
Had some trouble waking up, went to bed at half past midnight and woke up around 9.30, went back to bed immediately after waking up, woke up at 2 in the afternoon.
Couldn't find the heart to dance today, something I do every day.
Had no suicidal fantasies.
Was called an attention whore, but instead of freaking out I just talked it through...
Spent the day by myself, so there's really no way to know if this affects me socially.
Increased appetite, definitely. Over the course of the day I ate a whole pizza.
Took my second pill at 9.35pm.
Day One-
Had some trouble waking up, went to bed at half past midnight and woke up around 9.30, went back to bed immediately after waking up, woke up at 2 in the afternoon.
Couldn't find the heart to dance today, something I do every day.
Had no suicidal fantasies.
Was called an attention whore, but instead of freaking out I just talked it through...
Spent the day by myself, so there's really no way to know if this affects me socially.
Increased appetite, definitely. Over the course of the day I ate a whole pizza.
Took my second pill at 9.35pm.
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