Apologies for losing track of the date

I have to go get a refill on the 22ndish of this month. SO I finish on the 24th and can start all happy and new on the 25th.
I haven't been writing very much because there's nothing to report. I've been having a fabulous time since I've started my medication. I've noticed something though.
Last night, I missed my pill by about two hours. Every emotion was heightened by tenfold. If I was sad, I was depressed. I felt happy I was estatic. Two hours, alone and the reaction was enormous. I can't miss my pill, ever, if that's the case. But I did get my pill, and then all those emotions were...numbed, it seemed.

Slowly coming off the anti-depressants I was full of this powerful lust, and when I took it, I could no longer even think about the pleasures of the body. /sigh

Day 17

I've missed days. I've been busy.
I no longer allow myself to get sucked into that deep dark scary place.
I'm actually enjoying the moments I spend with people and that makes me very happy.
I have wicked awesome friends. And when I say that now, it's an entirely different group of people that comes to mind. I'm enjoying being alive and not looking to run from it.
My father is going back to Trinidad, which makes me a little sad.
I got to kiss a beautiful boy today.
I have to study for stats like no other these next two days.
I'm not afraid of crashing.
Everything is good.

day 12

It's almost impossible to think about suicide. I try. I really try to go back to how it was before. A couple tears, how it would feel to slice the veins that jut out through the thin sheet of flesh and rip it open with blood dripping in one thick stream. Even writing that sentence didn't stir me! It's sort of nice to have to find a different outlet as opposed to having that dark place to curl up to. But then again when everything is crashing around me, sort of, I wouldn't mind the familiarity I have navigating my imagination. I'm really sensitive to other people and my relationships with those people. Now I'm getting them right!

Also mixing up the hours I take pills, was a bad idea.

Day 11

Medication. Medication.
Took it at 7pm because I was exhausted last night.Just went to sleep around 9pm at first since the school year started. Woke up at 1am as opposed to sleeping at 1 waking up 4.
Did work for drama, talked to the guy I don't get along with, without wanting to kill him or myself. Another first.
Excited for drama, really I am.
Annoyed at being ignored.
But other than that.
Nothing to report.

Day 10

Cried a lot.
Smoking doesn't have an effect on me, except for improving my mood and increasing the urge to write.
Pill around 8 today.
That's all.
A lot of old wounds were ripped open.

Day 9

I think I'm just trying desperately to convince everyone around me that I am okay. But really? It doesn't feel like that at all.
I smoke this morning, which kind of didn't make me sick. I mean I was dashing about the house all excited ready for school and then Bunni texted me for hot chocolate and that was great.
I studied for my french test and felt confident about it.
But in stats I learned that we had a composition due (an essay in french) and I hadn't done it. I honestly didn't even know.
They are a huge part of our grades and I couldn't stand to have lower than a C in the class.
I panicked. But life was still okay. I would talk to her. We would work this out. And even if she didn't take it ,somehow I would be okay grade-wise.
Got to French class, she said I could bring it in tomorrow, I sort of relaxed, wicked nervous about the test, my blood was electric. I completed it though, the test, except for one little part I didn't really understand, but everything else I thought I did pretty well on.
Brunch, feeling down, but went along smiling as best I could.
In fashion, I was ticked. I was so angry, but I didn't know at who or what. I was just frustrated. I couldn't pin it down, and I hoped it wasn't noticeable.
English, I was crying.
Not full out bawling mind you. Just the couple tears down my cheek, trying to remember yesterday when everyone made me very very happy. it only helped a little. And Bunni who sits opposite me tried to cheer me up with one of our inside jokes, but I couldn't play along. She's the only person I can't pretend to be happy with. I can't lie to her. Lol.
So basically I crashed. And when i crash, I get..emo? I don't know. All I think about is how much I want to hurt myself and how there might be some relief in that. There's no set trigger, there's no one who upsets me. It's me against me. At least this time it didn't last as long as the others.
Eventually it faded. All my hatred for myself vanished and I was happy. So I called my boyfriend and chatted with him.
He though I was pretending.
But I wasn't. I was actually happy.
I don't know. He and Bunni think I'm bipolar.
Maybe I don't know.
Oh.
I couldn't for the life of me decide between my favorite cookies of all time and Oreos. It was a quantity versus quality type of thing. I was being stupid and asked two people to help me. One was in class and I think I pissed him off, so as usual that bothered me the whole day. The other answered and said I should choose quality. I wanted to. The stress from my inability to make a decision was intoxicating though. And maybe I took it too far. Just a little. I think it comes from people not knowing me and how I am and then it all gets messed up with what they think of me and who I actually am. M

Maybe it's nothing and I'm being stupid.
right now- I feel absolutely fine. A little tired from having so much homework, but good, content-ish. Once I finish french I'm going to sleep for a little while and then do at least half my english.

I don't know. But I know it's not an act. Not here.

Day 8

I've decided to post a little more often and start the post right after I take a pill.
I might forget something in particular that stood out that day.
Or night.
Such as this night, when the pill started to kick in, I had a burst of playful ZeD.
It was interesting.
Ate several handfuls of starbursts.
Have yet to motivate myself to study.
Smoked a cigarette, didn't throw up, but half way through I couldn't inhale properly anymore so I put it out. Stomach ache and..something else...dizziness? I can't remember.
More relaxed emotionally, but still anxious as ever to get out of the house.

Day 7

I was extremely yesterday which is why I didn't post on time.
I didn't take my pill until about 12:45am, and I was sort of afraid.
I don't want to find out what happens if I miss a pill.
I still get a little down these days, but I don't have a problem finding ways to make my mood better, which is good. Things have been running pretty smoothly.
Applied to San Jose and San Francisco State today, so I'm excited about that.
I really want to do psychology.
If Marlboro cigarettes didn't make me feel so yucky I would smoke to balance out the massive increase in appetite. But I can't even bring myself to hold the cigarettes much less smoke one.
I might have to start carrying a pill on me, if I continue to stay out pass 10-11ish. That way I can take it on time.
Same old same old.

Day 6

I missed posting last night.
I was incredibly tired.
Instead of coming straight home, I went to a friend's house until about 7.
I took my pill at 8, went to bed at 10, in hopes of waking up early to study.
I don't want to study.
But I'll fail if I don't.
I tried smoking last night.
But it only made me feel sick, like I was inhaling death. Even my veins and arteries felt like they were shriveling up.
For some reason I might try again this morning. Smoking used to help me wake up and study.
But these are Marlboro cigarettes.
And nothing good can come of smoking Marlboro.
Same feelings as the past.
Just thought I should report the smoking.