Day 9

I think I'm just trying desperately to convince everyone around me that I am okay. But really? It doesn't feel like that at all.
I smoke this morning, which kind of didn't make me sick. I mean I was dashing about the house all excited ready for school and then Bunni texted me for hot chocolate and that was great.
I studied for my french test and felt confident about it.
But in stats I learned that we had a composition due (an essay in french) and I hadn't done it. I honestly didn't even know.
They are a huge part of our grades and I couldn't stand to have lower than a C in the class.
I panicked. But life was still okay. I would talk to her. We would work this out. And even if she didn't take it ,somehow I would be okay grade-wise.
Got to French class, she said I could bring it in tomorrow, I sort of relaxed, wicked nervous about the test, my blood was electric. I completed it though, the test, except for one little part I didn't really understand, but everything else I thought I did pretty well on.
Brunch, feeling down, but went along smiling as best I could.
In fashion, I was ticked. I was so angry, but I didn't know at who or what. I was just frustrated. I couldn't pin it down, and I hoped it wasn't noticeable.
English, I was crying.
Not full out bawling mind you. Just the couple tears down my cheek, trying to remember yesterday when everyone made me very very happy. it only helped a little. And Bunni who sits opposite me tried to cheer me up with one of our inside jokes, but I couldn't play along. She's the only person I can't pretend to be happy with. I can't lie to her. Lol.
So basically I crashed. And when i crash, I get..emo? I don't know. All I think about is how much I want to hurt myself and how there might be some relief in that. There's no set trigger, there's no one who upsets me. It's me against me. At least this time it didn't last as long as the others.
Eventually it faded. All my hatred for myself vanished and I was happy. So I called my boyfriend and chatted with him.
He though I was pretending.
But I wasn't. I was actually happy.
I don't know. He and Bunni think I'm bipolar.
Maybe I don't know.
Oh.
I couldn't for the life of me decide between my favorite cookies of all time and Oreos. It was a quantity versus quality type of thing. I was being stupid and asked two people to help me. One was in class and I think I pissed him off, so as usual that bothered me the whole day. The other answered and said I should choose quality. I wanted to. The stress from my inability to make a decision was intoxicating though. And maybe I took it too far. Just a little. I think it comes from people not knowing me and how I am and then it all gets messed up with what they think of me and who I actually am. M

Maybe it's nothing and I'm being stupid.
right now- I feel absolutely fine. A little tired from having so much homework, but good, content-ish. Once I finish french I'm going to sleep for a little while and then do at least half my english.

I don't know. But I know it's not an act. Not here.